Tag Archives: fear

Couldn’t See Beyond Dirt |My Great Repentence

I thought I was in hell and I couldn’t see beyond dirt for all I had spoken, I was in such great repentence I could only stress how sorry I was! Yet, it wasn’t good enough, I couldn’t see beyond dispair and ruin. If I could have stood upon a million hills to say how much I regretted the words spoken out of my mouth, it wouldn’t have mattered…because my time had come to an end. I am done. I couldn’t make out what was truth and what wasn’t. I sat in utter fear…for days. I was so confused. I asked so many questions, yet to no avail, because my mind wouldn’t allow me to comprehend anything. How can I still be saved? Am I? Look what I’ve done to everyone…to the church…to my family.

-It all started one evening when one of my brothers in the Lord told us that he had just received the Holy Ghost and he was enroute to our home. When he arrived we all were rejoicing with him and a few of the members came by to do the same. At one point, I noticed something didn’t feel right and I went into one of my children’s rooms and another member soon joined me. We spoke about our concerns and then I started feeling very strange, very weak. I didn’t know what was happening to me she then grabbed my face and was calling my name, “Sister Cunningham, Sister Cunningham!”

At the time, I had just had a baby a couple of months prior. I had been dealing with a lot spiritually, mentally, and physically. My marriage was slipping away from me and I had become very bitter. I’m being very real with you right now, so if it troubles you to know this…I apologize in advance to alarm you but these are things that happen even in a Christian’s life. They just don’t talk about it. Depression, marital problems, and the like are so evident even when you are saved and with a mighty burning fire. Maybe at the time you don’t feel his presence like you desire but yes it happens! Some don’t believe this could be when your saved, in fact they teach against it. Saying, “No saint should ever have any business suffering from diabetes, depression, or cancer!” “If they are, they have FALLEN away from God!” People…That is so far from the truth. The word of God tells us that MANY are the afflictions of the righteous, yet the Lord delivers us from them ALL! Back to my repentence…I had ISSUES! I didn’t realize just how bitter I had become. I had allowed the enemy to step in and I was constantly upset with my husband though I had just given birth to our beautiful new son. But this imparticular day, I wasn’t ready for what was about to take place!

To be continued…

Beyond Church Hurt

October 27, 2016

Whispers Became Louder


When dealing with these people, they would suck you into their family as though one of their own, then drop you into the fire! They spoke many false things into the ears of all desperate ones willing to please God in order to be right with Him. Their whispers became louder and louder till soon it became a normal thing for your name to be called out during one of the weekly prophesying episodes in the midst of service.  Suddenly interrupting the service one would yell, “Jonathan! Jonothan! Jonothan! Come come come…come to me! Your not obeying my voice, Jonothan! I lie not! I lie not! Come unto me! Hearken, hearken! Lest, I destroy you Jonothan! Come come come!” With tongues following or in between the belting out of this word for you. You knew to take heed.  Jonothan…feeling the fear take hold of him, trembling and completely broken, walks to the front of the church in full submission, begging God not to destroy him. Jonothan is one who was praying, submitting to the leaders, and yet seeking for the Holy Ghost to fill him. He wants to do everything to please God. So, unknowingly he steps before them in full submission and fear, ready to whatever is asked of him. Later finds himself turning on his entire family, whom by the way is doomed for destruction by the time they finished whispering to him. He is now believing every word spoken out of their mouths. He’s now in total fear. Jonothan is a name used to show you how the enemy is operating in the church. This is one of many who have fallen prey to Satan’s devices to bring you into bondage. Fear. Doubt. Unbelief. If you tried to doubt them, a prophecy was spoken over you that you were not following God anymore. So, miserably you’d obey every word! If you dared speak to anyone of your concerns, it was made known and brought out during the service. Never was a word given until it was made known unto them. “Lord, stop the whispers and false prophecies”, I prayed. Yet, they continue…



Prophecy Destruction I

October 27, 2016

Is There A Word Called Proph-a-lying

Seeing over 30 plus people leaving the church, for the impending destruction that was spoken over their lives, left my stomach in a knot! Including my own soon to be disturbing death that was said I would endure, I was literally scared to the core of my soul. If you didn’t line up to the standards that they expected you were destined for destruction. You were sentenced to death without a fair trial! I’m speaking of the church people! This was not a joke! Your life was subject to the laws of church or you weren’t saved anymore. Point blank. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. Go on vacation? Wait…did you get permission for that? Okay, God said you’re not being obedient! This was many of the numerous laws governing your lifestyle all while serving the Lord with a pure heart. Did I pray? Indeed. This is when the Lord constantly told me that these things were not from Him. I struggled day after day with the fact that this leader was to be looked up to. That they were my guide, and they were the ones God placed before me to follow. As time went forth, I stayed on my knees pleading for my life and for the truth behind what was happening. “Lord, is this really what your saying? God, am I going to die for wanting to go on a vacation to spend time away from it all? Lord Jesus, help me. Help us.” In His audible still small voice as many know Him as, He said, “Noooo.” Because of the leadership they had on everyone there, you had no room for error. You did as you were told or out came some great prophecy against your life or maybe just a horrific phone call. This is when your heart drops to the floor while staring at the phone. Should I answer? You knew what would happen if you didn’t. I immediately started exiting the children that were in my room to the doorway so not to show how deeply afraid I was. My cheeks filling with heat and my lips beginning to turn pale, they marched out of the room. My stomach began to crunch and the pit of it was tightened. My hands starting to perspire I gripped the phone as I heard the ring tone of death continuing to chime. Prayers instantly filled my mind searching for what words I would say. Suddenly, pains dispersed through my head as thousands of shooting darts filled my neck and shoulders and began crawling down my back all while a massive headache rested on the verge of explosion. My heart pounded so I thought I would just collapse. Fear had taken hold of me within a matter of a few seconds. Pacing back and forth, stomach tightened to capacity, I took in some of the deepest breaths of my life, with fingers trembling I managed to tap the call button on my cell phone. I forcefully whispered and slipped out “hello?”

To be continued…